Brenda Drake is hosting a blogfest. Definitely worth checking out. http://brenleedrake.blogspot.com/2011/03/show-me-voice-contest-with-agent.html
Here's my first 250 words for my MS Broken Paths. It's YA fantasy, and I've tried to add some internal dialogue as suggested below.
Well I worked a bit more on it. What do you think? New one in bold, old just after.
The darkness wrapped around her, the chorus of crickets no more than a buzz of background sound as Tiani searched the tree line, gasping for breath. The thundering of her heart pounded in her ears. She'd never run for so long. The spiny branches of the trees reached through the darkness to catch her, to stop her from succeeding. She couldn't fail. Not this time. Not when she was so close. She would prove them all wrong. The darkness lightened as a soft glow spread over the mountain ridge and she cursed inwardly, sweeping the sweat soaked strands of her auburn hair from her face and tucking them behind her ear.
"Ehlrin." The word was little more than a whisper. Any louder and she might be heard by the Halyn following them. If they find us we’ll just have to fight, but can we win? Tiani shook her head, refusing to let the thoughts cloud her mind. “Did we lose them?”
The tree above her rustled and Ehlrin landed beside her, his blonde hair plastered to his forehead and his green eyes roving over the mountainside. “No.”
If they could just survive this contest a few more hours, retrieve the winner’s cup, and make it back before the Halyn stole it, they’d graduate and rise among the Hindori’s elite. The hope crashed away as she looked through the dark trees.
They’d looked all night and hadn’t found the cup. Much longer and that chance would be lost. The only other option was beating the Halyn in a fight, and with personalized training and three years more experience that wasn’t likely to happen.
The darkness wrapped around her, the chorus of crickets no more than a buzz of background sound as Tiani searched the tree line, gasping for breath. The thundering of her heart pounded in her ears. She'd never run for so long. The spiny branches of the trees reached through the darkness to catch her, to stop her from succeeding. She couldn't fail. Not this time. Not when she was so close. She would prove them all wrong. The darkness lightened as a soft glow spread over the mountain ridge and she cursed inwardly, sweeping the sweat soaked strands of her auburn hair from her face and tucking them behind her ear.
"Ehlrin." The word was little more than a whisper. Any louder and she might be heard by the Halyn following them. Please don’t let them find us again. “Did we lose them?”
The tree above her rustled and Ehlrin landed beside her, his blonde hair plastered to his forehead and his green eyes roving over the mountainside. “No.”
The Halyn wouldn’t let her and Ehlrin win easily. If they could just survive a few more hours, retrieve the winner’s cup, and make it back before the Halyn stole it, they’d graduate. If they ever found the cup. Their only other option was beating the Halyn at their own game, and that wasn’t likely to happen.
Tiani stared at Ehlrin’s face, seeing the anguish there. I could handle not making it past the academy, but… She dropped her gaze and searched for some words of comfort.
This is completely unrelated to your post, but omg, there's my missing Beta!! I lost your email and never sent you my last round of crits for dark visions!! Then my work computer got a virus and they took it away, and I lost the file. :( Glad to find your blog tho!! Following you now!
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph does a great job of putting us right in the action, but then when you started introducing unfamiliar words/names, you lost me. I get the feeling that a lot is riding on this chase, but I don't get a chance to connect with the characters so that I can root for them.
ReplyDeleteMaybe some more interior dialogue that shows us how important this is to the MC, rather than telling us it's important?
I really liked the voice of and pace of your first paragraph. But before I have a chance to get to know her, like Angelica said, you don't get a chance to connect with the characters. I agree that perhaps interior dialog would help us know how she feels, give us something to connect with.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the contest!
Shelley
Maybe I missed it, but I didn't catch the genre. I am presuming Fantasy but was unsure if it was YA. Ton of emotion packed into these first 250 words. Great Job.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.veritasoccultus.blogspot.com/
I love your first paragraph. It paints a vivid image of the scene unfolding. There's lots of emotion, but I agree that some internal dialogue might give the reader a better idea of how the MC is feeling.
ReplyDeleteI have to echo the others, you're great at the external, with description, action, pacing - now we need to see you connect that to the internal. You start to in the first paragraph, but I think you'd be most effective if you find a way to weave an internal monologue and thought process into the sentences around her action and dialogue in the middle of the page.
ReplyDelete