Brenda Drake is hosting a blogfest. Definitely worth checking out. http://brenleedrake.blogspot.com/2011/03/show-me-voice-contest-with-agent.html
Here's my first 250 words for my MS Broken Paths. It's YA fantasy, and I've tried to add some internal dialogue as suggested below.
Well I worked a bit more on it. What do you think? New one in bold, old just after.
The darkness wrapped around her, the chorus of crickets no more than a buzz of background sound as Tiani searched the tree line, gasping for breath. The thundering of her heart pounded in her ears. She'd never run for so long. The spiny branches of the trees reached through the darkness to catch her, to stop her from succeeding. She couldn't fail. Not this time. Not when she was so close. She would prove them all wrong. The darkness lightened as a soft glow spread over the mountain ridge and she cursed inwardly, sweeping the sweat soaked strands of her auburn hair from her face and tucking them behind her ear.
"Ehlrin." The word was little more than a whisper. Any louder and she might be heard by the Halyn following them. If they find us we’ll just have to fight, but can we win? Tiani shook her head, refusing to let the thoughts cloud her mind. “Did we lose them?”
The tree above her rustled and Ehlrin landed beside her, his blonde hair plastered to his forehead and his green eyes roving over the mountainside. “No.”
If they could just survive this contest a few more hours, retrieve the winner’s cup, and make it back before the Halyn stole it, they’d graduate and rise among the Hindori’s elite. The hope crashed away as she looked through the dark trees.
They’d looked all night and hadn’t found the cup. Much longer and that chance would be lost. The only other option was beating the Halyn in a fight, and with personalized training and three years more experience that wasn’t likely to happen.
The darkness wrapped around her, the chorus of crickets no more than a buzz of background sound as Tiani searched the tree line, gasping for breath. The thundering of her heart pounded in her ears. She'd never run for so long. The spiny branches of the trees reached through the darkness to catch her, to stop her from succeeding. She couldn't fail. Not this time. Not when she was so close. She would prove them all wrong. The darkness lightened as a soft glow spread over the mountain ridge and she cursed inwardly, sweeping the sweat soaked strands of her auburn hair from her face and tucking them behind her ear.
"Ehlrin." The word was little more than a whisper. Any louder and she might be heard by the Halyn following them. Please don’t let them find us again. “Did we lose them?”
The tree above her rustled and Ehlrin landed beside her, his blonde hair plastered to his forehead and his green eyes roving over the mountainside. “No.”
The Halyn wouldn’t let her and Ehlrin win easily. If they could just survive a few more hours, retrieve the winner’s cup, and make it back before the Halyn stole it, they’d graduate. If they ever found the cup. Their only other option was beating the Halyn at their own game, and that wasn’t likely to happen.
Tiani stared at Ehlrin’s face, seeing the anguish there. I could handle not making it past the academy, but… She dropped her gaze and searched for some words of comfort.
